“But I Digress”: One Year

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Well, today is the one year anniversary of WhatLizSaid.com, which is pretty amazing.  What’s also pretty amazing is that in my eight years of blogging, this is the first time I’ve ever remembered to commemorate my “blogoversary”.  

This time last year I was unemployed, and rather depressed about it.  Patrick and I had only been together for a little under four months.  We were living in Beltsville, Maryland, which is Spanish for “Liz was wasting away in the suburbs, and about to die!”  Our little Horatio had only been with us for about two weeks.

Since then, quite a bit has happened.

1. Patrick and I got engaged two weeks after the blog started.
2. We moved to Washington DC.
3. I worked for an adult kickball league, but their disorganized antics scared me off.  Even the lovely salary and the ability to work from home couldn’t keep me there.
4. I started working at my current position in August, and have been here for the past happy eight months.
5. Patrick and I celebrated our first BIG family Christmas together.  For Christmas 2007, we had been together for a total of 20 days, I believe?  It wasn’t a big to do.  This past Christmas we traveled from DC to the Eastern Shore of Maryland to Alexandria, VA, with Horatio in tow.
6. I started back to school, pursuing a Bachelor’s in Communications, because apparently working full time and wedding planning wasn’t enough for my plate.  I like a challenge.
7. We moved again, from our hellhole in Capitol Hill (it’s sad how nice apartments can be ruined by bad management) to our glorious apartment in Glover Park.  Can we say lots of natural light and a kitchen island?  Yes we can! 
8. Survived a rather scary layoff at work.
9. We expanded our family with another dog.  This time a rescue.  A miniature dachshund, named Clover.  
10. Repaired a friendship.
11. I Made new friends.

I’m sure this year will be no different, as we have quite a bit on the horizon.  I remember when I moved back home at the end of 2007 thinking to myself that I was going to take 2008 to relax and restore my energy.  2007 was quite the bear.  Obviously that did not happen.  Then I remember thinking after 2008, with all the moving around and upheaval (most of it positive!), that I would instead try to make 2009 a year to recuperate.  Well, as mentioned, we kicked off this year with me going back to school and us moving again.  

Oh well. 

I feel that while this year has been a year of new beginnings, it is also a year of atoning for sins of the past.  Whether it’s attempting to mend badly burned bridges, or returning to school to finally get the degree I failed at the first (second, and third) time around, I’ve finally stopped running, which is what I have spent the past several years doing.

The thing is though, when you actually stop, some of the things you have ignored catch up.  It’s not a bad thing, although it can be a bit overwhelming.

I’ve finally started paying off some rather embarrassing debts.  I’ve made some long overdue apologies, which is very tough.

I think one of the major issues I had in my younger years was an inability to take responsiblity.  I was an ostrich, burying my head in the sand, hoping whatever crisis loomed above would soon pass.  

Even better, I would be the one to set a house on fire, and then complain incessantly about how hot it was.

I could displace blame and responsiblity like it was my job, and unfortunately, for a number of years, I basically acted like it was my job.  

Now I’m 26 years old, paying for the mistakes of my idiotic 19 through 25 year old self.  While experiencing a timewarp that is mapped out by previous mistakes biting me in the proverbial ass is a rather cringe-inducing, it’s been satisfying to slowly tick off things I have accomplished.

Paid off $600?  Check!

Apologized for being a self-involved pity-partying douchette? Ugh, check.

Even though some items are not always fun, I think it’s really helped to face things head on.  Even if some apologies are not accepted, or the time I spend waiting for a response is filled with agitation and anxiety, I think it’s worth it to finally be honest with myself and others.

My father said something that has always stuck with me, and I’m sure he was quoting something, but I have no idea where it’s from: “The road to Hell is paved with good intentions.”  Now, that is not to imply that my father was a religious fanactic.  Quite the contrary.  The moral of his story was that, for example, you may have had the best intentions to pay your rent on time, and you may be a good person, but does your landlord care?  Not really.

You may have the saddest sob story in the whole world, but the real world does not care about your problems.  Think of the world like a really large DMV office.  You can cry and cry and cry about how you SWORE you had the right form with you today, and you promise it IS filled out!  You swear!  

Doesn’t matter!  They might even express compassion and sympathy, but you still have to come back tomorrow to wait for another 3 hours.  You should have remembered your paperwork.

This wasn’t a concept I was very good at up until… it’s sad to say, probably only the last year and a half or so.  Even if the first six months of my “transformation to good!” phase was marked by significant trial and error.  

Whoops.

My only fear is that, with some people, I have practically drowned them in a sea of apologies andd declarations of reformations in my character and/or way of life.  I would spout off all the life lessons I thought I had learned (and hadn’t) in long emails that bordered on pedantic.  

While I know deep down that this time things are very different, I cannot expect that everyone will draw the same conclusion.  That’s something else I’ve come to peace with: consequences of my actions.  To many, in spite of my own personal evolutions, I still may still sound like Same Old Liz.

One can only say sorry so many times, right?

In the end, though, I feel good.  The nerves, the anxiety, and the rather demoralizing calls to some collectors are worth it, because for once I feel in control of my own life.  Instead of complaining about how life was happening to me, I’m actually taking charge.

What’s amazed me the most, because my irresponsible ass of yore didn’t seem to get this concept, is the more I take control of, the easier things get.

Okay, I’m bordering on self-help book language here, so I’m going to move on.

This year?  I’m getting married.  This year?  I’m trying to right the wrongs of the past, no matter what the reception may be.  This year?  I’m probably going to have to endure putting my mother in a home.  I’ve spent the past year pretending that some parts of her had changed, but they hadn’t.  She isn’t taking care of herself, and I’m bracing for the resentment and subsequent fallout, which are sadly inevitable.  That’s a post for another time, however.

Who knows what else.  Every time I go into a year thinking I know what’s going to happen, I’m either wrong, or there’s a lot more down the pike that I never bargained for.  I guess we’ll see a year from now what I’ll be recapping, aside from an awesome Old Town wedding.

No way of telling now, but I’m very excited.

Who knew a blog anniversary could be so deep?  Or maybe the better question is, “Wow, does Liz really buy her own b.s.?”

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